Sproggies Forum

Sproggie's Top Ten Under The Thumb Tips
Number 10
Going for a beer requires permission
It’s not just going for a beer that requires her permission, so does every other trivial excursion. In the mind of your power-hungry girlfriend, going for a beer with your friends spells out trouble and, therefore, it’s heavily frowned upon. All of a sudden, you can’t even pop into a pub for a quick one at the end of the day without facing a barrage of harassment when you return home. Subsequently, you’ve stopped doing it to avoid the hassle that, for the record, makes you a spineless pansy. This is a big one boys, but our signs you’re whipped doesn’t end here.

Number 9
She makes your decisions for you
You question how you ever let it get to the point where she makes your decisions for you, but it’s true. In your protective prison/womb of a relationship you no longer really make anything more than minor life decisions for yourself. Somehow, she's managed to grant herself a seat on the UN Security Council that is your life and she’s not afraid to wield her power of veto. As mandated by No. 9 of our signs you’re whipped, you have little or no say in the affairs that directly concern you, such as holiday destinations, major purchases or even plans for the weekend.

Number 8
You have a joint e-mail account
We all have friends who’ve fallen into the insane trap of sharing an e-mail account. You know the case: Buddy meets, dates and gets married to a dominant girl and, before you know it, you’re receiving e-mails that are signed by them both, but clearly written by her. This loss of independence is one of the clearest and most seemingly innocent signs you’re whipped by a woman. Certain prerogatives must be sacrificed in any serious relationship, of course, but don’t let her combine your personalities into one and do your speaking for you.

Number 7
You go home when she’s ready
There was a time when men would drink their fill and decide if it was time to go home or not. Things have certainly changed for you if you’re whipped -- and not in any kind of progressive and mature way either. The decision to go home during a night of socializing is no longer yours when you’re whipped; now you wait for the “I’m ready” command and then rush off to get the coats and issue apologies to your friends (who, once you’ve left, just shake their heads and talk about your pathetic transformation). Your friends clearly recognize the signs that you’re whipped and they can’t understand why you allow it to continue.

Number 6
You have a different social group
When your friends are magically replaced with her friends, you can take it as one of the definite signs you’re whipped. It’s no longer acceptable for you to spend time with your old crew, so you find yourself looking for an acceptable substitute, which ends up being the boring boyfriend of one of her friends. You have simply lost touch with all your old friends and you can’t understand how it ever happened.

Number 5
She commits you to events
You might think your calendar of events is pretty open for the next few months, but little did you know how wrong you are as she has committed you to other events. In actuality, you’ve already been penciled into about a dozen boring affairs that are completely unbeknownst to you. The really sad thing is that she does it without your permission because she knows she doesn’t need it -- since you display such clear signs you’re whipped.

Number 4
You constantly worry about her reaction
It’s a definite sign that you’re whipped when you get some piece of news (good or bad) and your thoughts immediately turn to how she will respond when she hears it. You don’t even consider how it affects you anymore, which is pretty weird when you think about it. When you walk through the door at the end of a day, you automatically start running through a list of things that have potentially made her angry and you brace yourself for her accusations and complaints.

Number 3
Your friends don’t even bother
On your average Friday afternoon you used to get several calls and even more text messages from friends wondering about your plans for the evening. Now you get nothing because everyone just assumes that you’ll be kept under lock and key all weekend, and the scary thing is they’ve given up trying to help you escape.

Number 2
What you once took for granted is now a victory
You’re whipped if your basic God-given rights, like killing a few beers and watching the game or other things you used to do regularly, have been usurped. Now, when you gain “permission” you feel like it’s your lucky day, even if it is tainted with the bitter knowledge that you’ll probably have to do something really annoying to pay her back for her so-called generosity.

Number 1
You’re no longer interesting, funny or desirable
Essentially, her power over you has managed to drain you of all your willpower and creativity. Often it’s the ego that gets hit hardest when a man has been whipped into submission. You know you’re acting like a chump and you begin to accept your dismal situation in order to spare yourself the embarrassment of dealing with it publicly. Over time you’ve been forced to water yourself down so much in the name of maturity and respectability -- terms used to manipulate you -- that you can no longer pretend to be of any use to anyone but your overbearing girlfriend.

So You're Whipped into Shape?
So, do you recognize any of these signs? If so, I feel for you even though it’s no one’s fault but your own; you should have defended your rights and dignity from the start. The end of the whip is not a nice place to be and if you’ve somehow found yourself there, I wish you all the luck in the world in reversing it. You’ll certainly need it. Like me.

 

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A brief History of Coleshill

Coleshill began life in the Iron Age, before the Roman Conquest of 43AD, as a settlement on the south face of Grimstock Hill. Evidence of Hut Circles was found by archaeologists at the end of the 1970's. These excavations showed that throughout the Roman period there was a Romano-Celtic temple on Grimstock Hill. It had developed over the earlier Iron Age huts and had gone through at least three phases of development. The area was at the junction of two powerful Celtic Tribes - the Coritanii to the east from Leicester, and to the west the Cornovii from Wroxeter.

In the post Roman or Arthurian period (The Dark Ages) the nucleus of Coleshill moved about a kilometre to the south - to the top of the hill. Here the present church is set and the medieval town developed around it. By 1066 the town was a Royal Manor held by King Edward (the confessor) and is recorded in the Domesday Survey of 1086 as land held by William the Conqueror. Henry II granted the manor to the de Clinton family, then it passed to the de Montford's who had moated manor houses at Coleshill and Kingshurst. King Henry VII granted the lands to Simon Digby in 1496. His descendants (Wingfield-Digby) still hold the titles.

During the Coaching Trade and the Turnpike Trusts Coleshill became important as a major staging post on the coaching roads from London to Holyhead and from London to Chester to Liverpool. At one point there were over twenty inns in the town. The Coleshill to Lichfield Turnpike dates from 1743.

Many former coaching inns remain in Coleshill, mostly along the High Street and Coventry Road.

One of the most notable buildings in the town is the Parish Church Church of St Peter and St Paul at the top of the Market Square. It has a 52 metre (170ft) high steeple, one of the finest in Warwickshire, dating from the 13th century. Inside there is a 12th century font of Norman origin, which is one of the finest examples in the country. There are also medieval table tombs with effigies of Knights, including John de Clinton. Just outside the south door are the preserved remains of a medieval cross.

In the Market Square are the preserved remains of the Pillory and Whipping Post that were used to punish the town drunks and bakers selling underweight loaves.

Simon Digby was awarded the manor of Coleshill in 1496 by King Henry VII, following the Battle of Bosworth and the execution of Simon de Montford for helping in the attempt to oust the King.

One of the most infamous residents of Coleshill was John Wynn, a local cinema owner who, during World War II was caught transmitting information to the Germans.

I really should cut down

ANIMAL KINGDOM.

A "...THIS COUNTRY" SPECIAL BY GUY BOLOX

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving.

The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.

The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so, while others have plenty.

The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house. The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill with breaking news, broadcasts a multi-cultural choir singing 'We shall overcome'.

Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the squirrel got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his 'fair share' and increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner London .

In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The squirrel's taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work. The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re distributed to the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.

Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home. The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Britain 's apparent love of dogs.

The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial moves to return them to their own country were abandoned, because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from people's credit cards.

A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrel's food, though spring is still months away, while the council house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshoppers' drug 'illness'.

The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since arrival in UK .

The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him.. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.

A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and state the obvious, is set up. Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased. The government praises the asylum-seeking cats for enriching Britain 's multicultural diversity, and dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats.

The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison. They call for the resignation of a government minister.

The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in the United Kingdom.

The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses. Their taxes are increased to pay for law and order, and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.

THE END

SPITHEAD REVIEW
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The Goldfish Sketch
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You Horrible Man!
You must be a Cunnibaal!
And They're Dying!

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